Know the signs!

I have wanted to write this blog post for some time now, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it.

And it isn’t because, I’m scared to do so or that I care what people think.

But more because I couldn’t understand what the hell was going on! And I needed that different perspective.

But today Tuesday 18th January it practically jumped out at me and made itself known.

And that’s why I am here and writing this blog post, because I now know what’s wrong!

Disclaimer –This is in not a ‘Pity Party’  

I just want to be open and honest to the people in my space so that you can understand, maybe notice the signs for yourself and see what’s possible WHEN I come out the other side.

But more than anything I want to normalise that this can happen to EVERYONE no one is exempt.

And I think that point is really important, especially for professionals.

So here goes…

Recently I haven’t quite been ‘feeling’ myself and I couldn’t quite put my finger on it.

I have been ill quite a lot recently ‘physically’ and when I went to the doctors in December I had high blood pressure, vertigo and a little anxiety.

I am not an anxious person and havent been for the last 5 years.

I can only describe this as…

I feel as though I have been put in a waltzer at the fair ground and the guy is stood spinning, spinning & spinning and on me leaving the ride I am all diseoriantated mentally and physically and that dizzy feeling isn’t shifting.

I do believe that when I get ill it’s my body’s way of shouting to me (listen woman and stop god dammit your doing to much) But I didn’t, I just carried on doing the do, continuing as normal and believing that I am OK.

I mean, I have in no way shape or form been doing a lot anyway!

So that’s why I couldnt understand.

But actually I haven’t been ok! And I haven’t been since the 30th November when I woke up and found our big bear (doggy) unexpectedly asleep forever.

💙He was healthy and still young 💙

Now admitting that your not ok for some people (especially coaches) can be a massive thing and I bet there are loads that don’t!

But I am here to tell you it does not make you any less able, professional, or credible!

It makes you a human!

Loosing Marley has truly and deeply affected me and I really never thought it would.

Now I appreciate that anyone reading this may feel like “It’s just a dog”

Because in all honesty years ago I probably would have said the same.

But it’s not true! OK actually he was a dog but he was a member of the family.

I understand that…

“It’s life”

“life goes on”

“Although he’s gone he’s still around”

“There are bigger things happening around us”

“You have to move on”

And because I know all the above and consciously feel ok about it, it’s the most frustrating feeling I have ever had.

It’s frustrating for me because, I know how the mind and body work.

It’s frustrating because, I know the signs and symptoms to look for.

It’s frustrating because, I help people shift their mindset.

It’s frustrating because, I know myself inside out and I know that it’s a part of life and it will pass.

It’s frustrating because, I feel this way and  my amazing children are coping so well! Obviously I am so glad they are.

It wasn’t until today 18th January I knew what was actually wrong.

I have noticed recently that when I am out on walks and see dogs and family’s I get a lump in my throat and tears in my eyes.

It’s a trigger for me.

I am happy to see other people enjoyng time as a family, but also so sad! I would give anything to have that back.

Then the guilt comes in…

 I wish I would of done more

I wish I would of cuddled him more

I wish I would of let him sleep in my bed

I wish I would of let him eat whatever he wanted

I wish I never ever told him off

Ok logically some of the above wasn’t possible but still I feel guilty.

And them thoughts are the things that cause my body to react in a certain way.

Remember I know all this…

I see Labradors all the time (Thankyou Reticular activating system) but today I saw one who looked just like him! They could have been twins and I even thought for a second is it him??

Then I thought girl you crazy!

As marley’s ashes are still sat on my shelf at home.

 And I couldn’t control my reactions!

And this is the big thing for me because we can not control what happens in life but we can control our reactions.

 I was a blubbering mess!

I bet both the man and his dog thought who is this psychopath looking at us and crying hysterically (oh and pushing an empty pram as I just dropped sonny off)

So I took myself home and gave myself a pep talk whilst thinking of the song ‘dry your eyes mate’

And then I laughed a little and thought come on Gemma pull yourself together this is mad.

So I got it together headed back out, being mindful and enjoying the day and that’s when it happened.

The biggest trigger!

I saw a dead rabbit led on a stone on the path, then the flashbacks started to come!

I could see marley led there when I found him! The exact image in my mind that ive played over and over.

I have been having flash backs but not quite like this!

Again I couldnt control my reaction at first.

My breathing started to get uncontrollable and I could feel my heart beating faster and faster I thought I was going to pass out. In that moment everything I have ever learned, taught or shared completely went out of the window!

I had been feeling anxious a lot recently but nothing compared to this moment

I had to consciously shout at myself  ‘Gemma you are going to be ok’  “Breath, breath, breath” It took me a good 15 minutes to bring it back…

I pulled out my phone and recorded what was going on so I could just get it out

“Its better out than in” I headed home and broke down for a 3rd time to my husband.

I talked to him and listened to my recording  and I understand now…

I have been suffering with trauma and I am still grieving!

I just need time to heal!

And it’s ok to admit that, the whole experience which i dont want or need to share was absolutley traumatic!

I am just so glad that I know whats is wrong and how i can fix it

What I have learnt from this whole process…

Everything happens for a reason I decided to walk to the childminders (which I never do) so I could see that dog. I walked that way and saw that rabbit so I could understand what is going on internally and deal with it finally.

What this has taught me

  • This is going to help me help more people and me for being raw
  • I must go back to 2018 and do what I did then to heal again.
  • You really can’t wallpaper over the cracks
  • My job has really helped me during this time, and I love it more than ever
  • A huge up level is coming
  • Dogs really aren’t just for Christmas
  • I have more love to give, everywhere
  • Share more tips and signs for the people who dont know what to do!

What I want you to take from it

  • Let’s start to normalise and be open about when we are struggling
  • It really is ok to not be ok
  • Don’t tell anyone how they should feel
  • Feel, welcome and except all the emotions
  • Listen to your body It will tell you when it’s not ok
  • Professionals are allowed to struggle
  • You are a human being
  • A dog is not just a dog
  • Healing takes time
  • If you are struggling please reach out for help

Thankyou for listening

Love Gemma xoxoxo

If you are struggling please check out https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/

Author: Mrs Mindset

Hey Everyone I thought I would come and introduce/ re introduce myself. I am Gemma (obviously) I am a certified Life, Mindset and Strategy coach. I am so passionate about helping women upgrade their mindset, so they can upgrade & allign their life or business for true happiness. I am also a mummy of 4 so I absolutley get that the 'Juggle' can be a 'struggle' So I have made it my mission! To help other women take control and enjoy their Life or business xxxx

2 thoughts on “Know the signs!

  1. Laura guy says:

    So much love to you, you amazing lady. Thankyou for sharing that with us and allowing others to feel what they’re feeling. You really are an incrdidble woman, sending healing hugs your way. 💗

    Reply

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